The Daddy Diaries: Sweetness Follows

Marriage is a lot different once kids come along. The demands of an infant combined with a serious lack of sleep introduce a new level of stress and irritability to a husband and wife relationship. And yet, it's exactly because raising a child is so hard that something really sweet is happening in my marriage.

It's a little after 7 a.m. on an average Tuesday morning and things are in motion around our home. Lori is at the kitchen sink washing up from last night's dinner and getting baby bottles prepped for the day before she gets ready to head to work. I've just finished feeding Gregory his breakfast and have set him in his play saucer while I try to squeeze-in an early morning workout. 

I'm on my exercise mat in the living room doing various crunches and squats, attempting to transform my 2-liter gut into 6-pack abs, when Gregory begins to fuss. He may need a diaper change or perhaps just wants a little more attention than we're giving him right now. Either way, I've got a good sweat going and I'm hoping that Lori will be the one to take a break from her task to tend to his needs. But, like me, she doesn't seem to want to stop what she's doing and the baby's cries grow louder.

This is when the downward spiral of my attitude begins. It starts with annoyance that my wife doesn't seem to hear Gregory crying and I'm thinking to myself, Come on, Lori, can't the dishes wait? 

Quickly the argument in my head moves to a judgmental comparison: I know she got up in the middle of the night to feed him, but I changed that full diaper early this morning and I played with him for an hour while she slept. It's her turn to step up and do something. I feel the irritation rising between each push-up, but still I refuse to say anything or to stop my workout. 

In the courtroom of the mind, the evidence is rapidly mounting up in my favor: Doesn't she know how many diapers I change every day? Does she have any idea how hard it is to be with an infant all day long? Doesn't she care that I'm trying to stay healthy for our family? All I want is just a little space for myself in the morning, is that too much to ask? Obviously I am the victim here, but incredulously the dishes keep clanging in the sink.

Meanwhile, she's probably thinking the same things but from her perspective: Doesn't he hear that baby crying and can't his exercise wait until later? I'm trying to get the kitchen cleaned and make sure our baby eats today, and I still need to get ready for work! Seriously, it must be nice to stay home all day and have time to exercise. 

By now Gregory has collapsed into a full tantrum so I begrudgingly stop my workout to pick him up. Not only am I feeling resentful, but now I get to throw myself a pity party: Well here I go again (deep sigh). It's always me that ends up being the one to sacrifice! It's very possible that I'll be grumpy the rest of the day so that, in some weird way, I think I'll punish Lori for what I feel she has done to me.

WHOA, Whoa, whoa! Time out—what is going on here?

Even as I write this, I know how childish it all sounds, and it's embarrassing to realize how quickly my attitude can sour over something as petty as having my sit-ups interrupted. Just like a baby, I get irritated when I don't get what I want. The truth is my workout can wait for a better time, and I need to be serving my family during this busy hour of the morning.

Before Gregory came along, Lori and I were pretty independent in our daily routine. We could just do our own thing and never have to deal with these kind of conflicts. But now with a baby in the mix, we have to depend on each other and work together in a whole new way that's really hard but really good. 

Children provide more opportunities to offend one another, but this also gives more opportunities to show grace to one another and to humble ourselves in asking forgiveness and to work through the junk of our hearts that would otherwise stay under the surface. 

And once I get past my own selfishness, I am able to see what an amazing and beautiful woman I have for a wife. And the unexpected surprise of getting to know my son is that I'm getting to know and love my bride even better.