The Daddy Diaries: First Day Frustration

I knew it would be hard, but I really had no idea. What I thought would be the "adventure" of my first day as a stay-at-home dad turned out to be pretty miserable.

The day actually started off pretty good. With a short prayer and an encouraging smile, my wife closed the passenger door behind her and headed into the BART station on her way back to work for the first time since having our baby. 

Now it was just me and the kid. I looked in the back seat and he seemed pretty calm, so I headed to Trader Joe's to get the grocery shopping done. I had this naive idea that, in addition to taking care of my son, I would be able to get a whole list of other chores and projects done (many experienced parents are smiling right now).

To my surprise, Trader Joe's is nearly empty at 9 a.m. on Monday mornings. It takes a few minutes to figure out how to safely balance the carrier seat on the shopping cart, but otherwise we move quickly. My little buddy smiles up at me while I place veggies and boxes of cereal in the cart. We get home and have our first bottle feeding, and by now I'm feeling pretty good about myself: "I got this baby thing down!" I was determined to show my wife that she didn't need to worry, and I could totally handle my new daddy role. 

But it seems pride comes before a fall. 

After getting a good burp, I set him in his saucer to play while I went to put away the groceries. He was really fussy and began to cry, so I stopped to hold him for a bit but that didn't seem to help much. Then I tried laying him on his play mat, but that only upset him more. The swing didn't work either. I checked his diaper and, though it seemed okay, I changed it just to make sure. 

Still he cried. His normal nap time was cut short this morning so I set him down in the crib to see if he'd go back to sleep. I strummed my guitar and sang to him a little which normally calms him down, but not today. Pacifiers and mobiles were likewise powerless. I tried everything but the cries grew louder and large tears flowed down his chubby cheeks. Maybe he's still hungry? I heated up another bottle but by this time he was so worked up in a fit that he couldn't even concentrate on eating. And still the screams continued.

There's something about the incessant cry of an infant that pierces the inner-ear and steadily grates upon the nerves; a certain shrill of sonic frequency that seems to disrupt normal brain function and steadily wears down all resolve. I'm certain that an angry baby would make an effective instrument of torture in a time of war. It's like someone has jabbed an ice pick into your ear with one hand and then drags fingernails down a chalkboard with the other. 

And eventually it did start to wear me down. The inability to calm my own baby made me feel so helpless and frustrated that I started feel the anger boil inside. I looked at the clock: 10:30. Ten-thirty!?! It feels like it should be three in the afternoon by now, but it's only been a little over two hours since I dropped my wife off for work. 

I set him down in the crib as he continued to wail full force, but this time I screamed back, "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?" Exasperated, I left him there in his tears and slammed the bedroom door behind me. My outburst, of course, only scared him more and the screams grew louder. Quickly my anger turned into guilt and shame: I love this little guy so much, but right now I just want to get away from him. I suck as a dad.

I was determined not to bother my wife at work, but after another hour of non-stop crying and more feeble attempts to soothe him, I pick up the phone. I confessed my ineptness and anger to her, but she assured me this is how she felt at first too and that it will get better.

She's right. It did get a little better in the afternoon, but still he misses his mommy and is not happy about the overall transition. The rest of the day is likewise rough, but we make it.

At 4 o'clock, my mother-in-law comes over so that I can get ready for work. I realize I didn't get any chores or projects done, I never even took a shower, and there are still groceries on the counter to be put away. I'm frazzled to the core and mostly feel like a failure at the end of this first day. I begin to wonder if this arrangement is really going to work. 

I knew it would be hard, but I really had no idea. It will take a little time to get a schedule and a routine to the day. "Tuesday will be better," my wife assures me. 

"Oh, that's right," I realize, "I have to do all of this again tomorrow!"